On the Loss of a Spouse

             How does one cope with the loss of a spouse?

            Obviously, the town, state, nation is full of widows or widowers who are coping and living productive lives. And, there are some who are not; who will never get over the loss, nor be able to cope very well.

            We know that it is natural to lose one’s spouse or to be the one to go first, before the other passes on. That is the reality.  One of us in a couple will go first.  We know that death is an experience for all.

            A widow, newly widowed, remarked to me this week, “We must all be kind to one another, because we never know what tomorrow might bring”…She was experiencing a deep truth in her sorrow, and felt so very appreciative of life and relationships.

            I sorrowed with her.

            Soon she will be traveling a new road. Right now she is occupied with the funeral and the burial.

            So, what happens when she goes home?

            There is family support. Friends are there. But soon, this will change.

            Now, the real test is being alone. Now she’s down to bare basics. She is where the rubber meets the road. And there is only one who can help her. He will be her Comforter of comforters.  She is stripped of every outside distraction.

            There is no other place to go.

            I have been thinking about what this new challenge to life might mean to many of you who, lately, have experienced this loss. I can think of three in particular who are living this new way.

            I hope I am not intruding.

            But here are my meager thoughts.

            First. When you come home, he is not there. He is absent. You expect him to call your name, to ask a question, to laugh.

            I think this is the time to pray briefly. Ask the Lord to give you the grace and strength to walk, step by step, through this process. Jesus said, “We have not because we ask not.” This is the TIME to ask.

            It’s not just important to “believe” and “pray” but to pray specifically… To ask God to cover you, right now, this moment, with his cloak of Peace and Comfort. That is what I think I would do.

You peruse the house and property. He is everywhere. You see his tools, his cup. his outdoor boots, and his favorite chair…which leads to number two.

Second: Don’t hurry and do anything radical. Don’t think of getting rid of his things. Don’t. You need the smells, the feels, the touches of his possessions.  Grief needs to work its way through your  soul.

 Don’t think of moving. Don’t think of getting away, just yet. Don’t rush into anything. Stay stable. Stay normal. Keep the ship afloat. Just be.

  Lean on your friends and family, of course. But be aware that they cannot be there all the time. The Holy Spirit from God is right there with you. Talk to Him.  Tell Him everything. Cry it out, but say it all. Go through the process, “denial, anger, guilt, bitterness, acceptance”.Whatever. You can scream it out if you need to.

 It’s then that you will feel an incredible cleansing.  It’s all said. He hears. It’s then that you will be intimately sure of His reality because He will make Himself obvious to you. He wants you to go to Him.

Third:  There are two choices that you will be faced with for a while. One is to wake up in the morning, lie there in bed, realize the immensity of your loss, and pull the covers over your head while you cry passionately and deeply. The other choice is to wake up, get up and make a cup of coffee, go to the front porch or to the kitchen table, and then cry. What is the difference? One move propels you to more grief and depression; the other takes you to a purpose as you grieve.

This is only an illustration, but you will find more opportunities which give much better examples.

 Next:  Do not re-live over and over the loved one’s experience with death. Do not re-experience the trauma, the shock, the total way it might have happened. Your loved one experienced his passing only ONCE. But the bereaved experiences it over and over and over if he/she continues to dwell on it.

Let that part go. Just let it go. God doesn’t want you to sorrow that way. After all, your loved one knew the Lord and he’s now with the Lord.

And last, may you know that many are here with you, remembering the loved one, remembering you, and praying for you.

To those in the community who have recently lost mates, we extend our deepest sympathy.